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feb the 14th

I have a presentation due tomorrow . I'm freaking out. I'm afraid I'll go blank and mumble or read the slides like a dipshit. Maybe i should do some more reading up.

I'm not in love with you

Kim de Souza 29 December 2009 at 10:48
I'm not in love

Your eyes
Like little pools of dark
With flecks of bright.

Your tanned hand on the steering wheel
Dwarfs mine.
You hum tunelessly along to the Muse.

I'm not in love
No I'm not in love with you.

My little frozen heart a-dangling
You got me hook line and sinker
When you strummed along
Numbed fingers
And frozen hearts later
Sitting in the back seat of your car
A mess of hands and legs
Our breath fogging up the glass
You held me close.

And I know
You are not in love with me
Why would you be?

Three days later
You'll be an annoying song in my head
That plays on
When all I want to do is forget
A fumble in the dark.

New Year's day...

Sat at home Chicken Bucket in hand, drink in the other.
What a way to welcome the new year!
I feel like I'm 40
And washed up.

While the rest are pie eyed
Dancing and canoodling
I'm in my bed
Covers over my head.

Happy Fucking New year!!!

Dear self,

Why do you allow yourself to feel like chewing gum?
Chew you up and spit you out on the sidewalk.


Dear Dad,

I never knew that calling a depressed person a "lunatic" was a way of making them feel better about themselves. You called it a "misguided" way of "helping " me. All it did was made me feel stupid, like whatever happened around me was in my imagination. I wish I could get up the nerve to tell you so. Truth be told I'm a coward. I just sit and agree to whatever you say like a bobble bead . And I've done this for 22 years straight. I'm just a little tired of it now. You think that you can just chuck a kid in a fucked up lousy environment and they have to adjust , adapt or die. If I hear the word "adjust" once more I probably will scream. Two weeks was all I could put up with you and your stupid behavior. You think your a cut above the rest, don't you? No one ever measures up to this idea of intelligence you claim to possess except your neanderthal sister and her brood of retards. I can see genuine happiness in your eyes when you talk of them or when you hear that they going to afflict us with their unwanted presence. You don't want to socialize with other "normal" people. You know first floor neighbor called you over and you couldn't even go and see him. He died y'know. Mum says other people have it a lot worse and I should count my blessings. You have stifled my spirit. You have snuffed out whatever light that should shine through. You have not allowed me to have an opinion, to exist, to express my views. You are a tyrant. I'm just tired of being walked all over.

Dec. 1st, 2009

Empty. No thoughts. No feelings. No moods. Is that what I'm supposed to be? A robot? I can't even think. I can't even recall what I read. It is all a blur to me. It is as if I'm blundering on like a blind man not knowing where the next step may take me. I can't live like this anymore. I can not function. I'm glad I did not agree to the brain washing. That would be like the final nail in the coffin. Tearing apart the last shred of my identity. I do not wish to change. I do not wish to bumble about like a fool. I do not wish to be a puppet in the hands of these morons. I want to be in control of my own destiny. I don't want to be told how I should and should not feel. More importantly I want to feel.. something else something other than the anxiousness that gnaws at my insides. I will plod on determinedly. I will not give up at least not yet. I need to get off the medication. It just makes me stupid... so stupid... so painfully stupid . That's what they want me to be . STUPID DUPE. Putty in their hands.

I hope this stupidity ends.

dear Danny

It has been quite a while since I last wrote or heard from you. I hope you are doing alright. The past couple of days I have been sick both mentally as well as physically. Both of which I believe to be my fault. I had very "foolishly" gone off my medication not realizing what a slave I have become to them.I thought I was better. Indeed, I appeared to be. What I did not realize is ... the medication was a thread by which my sanity so precariously hangs by.
I have never thought my self to be an anxious individual burdened by fears. But these few days! I cannot begin to describe what they have been like for me. I can only tell you that it was nothing short of a nightmare. I know I'm prone to using hyperbole when it comes to emotions. It is probably one of the many flaws in my personality. The fears themselves were irrational. I can not even tell you what they were. But I was fearful. Sleep only brought tumultuous  dreams. Nothing brought me peace. The food I ate I could not retain. I lay in bed unable to think, except to count backwards like a lunatic.

 I know now why you did not want to be on medication. I wish I was not on as well. But stopping all of a sudden brought me only pain. I fear I shall be a slave to them for as long as the psychiatrist deems necessary. It is strange not to be in control of things to let the chips fall where they may. I have stopped going to therapy sessions. The therapist only annoyed me by her idiotic suggestions of looking at trees. Yes. She told me that. She was young and rather a fool,I thought.

This brings me to another point.You know how when children are younger they often have this fight girls are smarter than boys or boys are smarter than girls. I have come to the very sad conclusion that there are are indeed very few smart women. Most are incredibly  silly.  Ah who can trust something that bleeds for three days and does not die? A very  poor joke it is but I had to put it in. Because at the time when I thought it out it seemed very funny. But now I see that it is a poor taste but I shall leave it in all the same.
Most of the girls that I have met just laugh mindlessly  and giggle. . Yes giggle. The sound of their laughter grates against my ears much like fingernails across a blackboard.
I have read the notes from the underground. It is truly an estimable book. What is worse, Danny is I find great similarity between my self and the unnamed author  which in itself is morbidly disturbing... I find a great many people to be foolish and not worth my time.
I write you this not for your sympathy because I know I will receive none but just like that.

By tonite I shall be "myself"- be normal. I do not know what normal is any more. Maybe for me normal is a kind of listlessness. It is as if I possess no emotions when I am on medication.If there were little crests and troughs of emotions there will be a straight line of mindlessness tomorrow. I act as an automaton would, functioning like clockwork but with no real emotion. I only wish I had realized that before...


Dear Y,

Hey. Lately you don't have time to say "hello". I've got to hear it from G. Fair enough you two are thick as thieves and call each other at 2 in the morning. I get that.  I do. I'm not going to spend my time wondering whether I've pissed you off when you were "trying" to help me with that "God loves you" crap. I'm really past caring.
For what its worth, I'm really happy you've settled in  nicely and made loads of friends. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew it would come down to this that I would have to choose between you and G. Well, I have made my choice. I choose G. Okay?At least he bothers to keep in contact with people.
Your soon to be ex friend
Artie n

A month to date...

A month has passed since I had had anything worth posting. I'm calm. Eerily calm. I should be acting like Tweak on a bad day but I'm not. instead I sit placidly and wait for the madness to unravel.
I've been thinking(at this point, dear reader you may say to yourself this person does a fair amount of thinking but has  nothing concrete to show for it), which is not something unusual for me, that a level of "heightened consciousness" might be a disease of sorts. It is a veritable burden to have any sort of consciousness because then  flaws of any sort either lying with yourself or others or the world as you perceive it is just blatantly obvious. You can not ignore the  spot  , the "pimple " on the face of one with an otherwise clear complexion . The very same way you can not help but notice the flaws. You are bound in some inexplicable way to point out if you like, what to you seems the very obvious truth-
la vérité
Ah well, enough pondering for now.. I write this simply because it is a borrowed thought. I do not claim it for my own. I've lost all sense- every semblance of originality and must now resort to base plagiarism. But no! I will give the  true thinker his due . I got it from notes from the underground which is a brilliant book. It is a brilliant book because it was written by a brilliant man. A man that knew what he was talking about. A man that understood. Sure it was written in the nineteenth century, and a lot has changed since then. But stop , pause and ask yourselves how much?

Writer's Block: How Rude!

The rudest thing I've ever been asked is if the zits on my face was because of herpes.
The rudest thing I've ever asked some one.... is.. erm.. I honestly can't remeber..